Santa Claus, now in his 1,747th year, reveals for the first time how his part-time Chief Financial Officer helped Christmas Inc. claw back from near-disaster.
“Last year we were hit by so many problems. Money problems. Health and safety issues. Capital funding problems. Bad PR. The lot.
“Someone posted a story on Facebook last August that said I hated mince pies and was allergic to milk. Dreadful business. I had bags and bags of letters from angry dairy farmers and retailers. And emails from worried parents asking what they should leave out for me on Christmas Eve if I didn’t want mince pies and a glass of milk. Some got a wee bit personal, a tiny bit sarcastic, which wasn’t nice. That went on for several weeks.
“Not long after that another story appeared that said I mistreated reindeers. Someone started a Go Fund Me page for Rudolph and the rest of the gang and children across the world were urged to donate their pocket money. Luckily, the authorities tracked down the culprit before any money changed hands. That man was definitely Number One on my Naughty List last Christmas. Those two stories were really damaging. It wasn’t a happy time at Christmas HQ while all that was going on.
Elf and Safety Issues
“Then we had a scare with compliance. One of the elves in the workshop slipped on some wrapping paper and broke his leg. We hired a Health and Safety inspector to help us prevent more accidents and she found that the workshop wasn’t fit for purpose. It’s a very old workshop and needed to be updated. We’d just added bits on as we grew so it was a bit higgledy -piggledy but we loved it all the same. Getting it modernised cost a fortune.
“The Health and Safety Inspector hit the roof when she discovered that some of the elves were sleeping underneath their benches. I tried to explain that they do it because they love making toys and have such fun at work they don’t want to leave. But she said that it had to stop immediately. She insisted on staying in the workshop until we’d dismantled all the tiny beds and wardrobes. Some of the elves, who’ve worked with me for more than 1,000 years were heartbroken. They’d created little homes from home underneath their workbenches.
“That meant I had to create sleeping quarters for the elves and didn’t know where the money was going to come from to finance the whole thing. But then Mrs Claus read a blog about how you could hire a part-time CFO for the same amount you’d pay an office junior. She said he could help sort us out. I’d never heard such a thing but decided to try it.
Our Part-Time CFO
“Hiring our part-time CFO, Peter, was the very best thing we’ve done. Peter helped us find funding for the elves’ sleeping quarters. And he sorted out our cashflow. This is the first year, for example, that we haven’t had a cashflow crisis. Every year, we employ thousands and thousands of elves to help make presents and that’s always thrown our budget so by January, the cupboard has always been bare. Peter stepped in and helped us arrange funding and so for the first time, we’ll be able to look forward to January. No more living on baked beans in January for Mrs Claus and me, I’m happy to say.
He’s also helped us move into new markets and made sure we had all the licenses we need. And in April this year he stopped a Mr Grinch from stealing our Christmas market franchise. That was the same naughty fellow who wrote those fake news stories last year. That’s all behind us now, I’m very happy to say.
No Exit Planning
“Peter and I get on extremely well but there’s one thing we disagree on and that’s exit planning. Peter has been trying to convince me that I should start looking for a successor and thinking about an exit plan. But I don’t want to stop doing this. It’s what I was born to do. Retirement isn’t for me. Besides, Mrs Claus wouldn’t like me sitting around the house all day, making cups of tea and eating mince pies. So, Peter and I have agreed to disagree on this one matter. So, you can look forward to me popping around on December 24th for many, many years to come. Ho ho ho.”